22.07.2009 - 4:27 p.m.

friday's corporate lunch-a-jet-a-thon, ahah, confirmed to me once again that i'm socially retarded. I already know this and have known for a large part of my life, i'm not sure if constantly avoiding social situations are reinforcing my lack of skills to deal with the aforementioned situations, am i on a vicious cycle heading towards hermitry.

sometimes i can barely maintain a conversation with my oldest and bestest friends, i'm just not a talker, j and i are happy with comfortable silences, we can't be expected to talk constantly to fill every tiny silence, that would undoubtedly straining on any relationship. I like to be around people who pathologically have to talk, if they don't talk they start twitching, when two or more of these people get together it's funny watching them fight over the silence to be the ones to get their words out before they rupture, i'm happy just sitting back, listening, drinking, smoking, whatever.

i'm sure if i was more confident and outgoing, the sparkling dry wit and razor sharp words that live within me would turn heads and i'd be the centre of attention, except i hate being the centre of attention, you there people, stop looking at me, so J and a couple of mates are the only ones who see the talent, i'm sure they appreciate it. We do laugh quite a bit, and as i can't not answer a feed-line left hanging in the air, irrespective of the company i'm in, there's always a laugh around the corner; so what if you're offended, serves you right for saying those words at me, the answer i gave, out loud, was the only answer there could have possibly been, your lack of a sense of humour is your problem don't get all huffy, at least it got a laugh from the rest of the room.

the introvert in me still reigns, not keen on parties unless i'm hosting them, and if i'm hosting a party it's likely i'll be plugged into the decks for a good few hours providing entertainment for the guests, this is how i like it. The best talky bits outside of me an j's snuggled up giggle sessions are with mr A and mostly the morning after the night before, too wired to sleep, too fucked to move, our imaginations are the only part free to operate at anything like normal speed, make way for the ridiculous escalation of silliness, without the restrictions of sobriety the imagination can soar like a magical toaster, usually resulting in something like this.

so despite friday containing primary elements i look for in a day out: free - aeroplanes - more free, i was a bit hesitant to go because i'd have to interact with humans and listen (no problem) and empathise (hmmmm) and make interesting talky stuff (further hmmmm), in the end it wasn't too bad, the socialising was limited to about 3 or 4 people max and mostly with 1 or 2, j did lots of talking because she's talented like that and she was also the main invitee (i was just her support/hanger on) i don't think i was rude in any way but i can never tell, i rely on j telling me when i'm out of line.

i like it when we receive further proof (if needed) that we're perfect for each other, between us we'd form a single super-human, no inhibitions, no inabilities, maybe not able to jump buildings, but everything up to that point would be a piece of pie. It would be nice if we were able to meld brains for a few days, J could stride about with a complete lack of fear of anything and armed with my stone cold tactlessness would be able to wade into any work based idiot situation (she works largely with corporate idiots/fuckwits/useless wankers) and start taking names/kicking arse, rather than getting a bit teary and girlie, she's more than capable already of ripping someone a new one, but bound up with feminine emotion and with fluctuating emotions inevitably comes some tears.

i suppose if we swapped brains entirely, j would be enjoying the new feeling of manliness, walking alone late at night without any fear, writing her name in the snow, not having to worry about whether the clothes on her new body matched or clashed and generally being ignored by everyone, anonymity is a wonderful thing. I'm almost certain that having found myself in her body (looking out this time) i wouldn't leave the house, or for that matter, the bed.

good times all round