Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

close up - 17.11.2010
i'm not a lumberjack, but i am ok - 05.11.2010
tittewagen - 04.11.2010
bow chika wa wa - 26.10.2010
pointless quaver moaning - 13.10.2010

20.02.2009 - 2:27 p.m.

What follows is based loosely on a conversation between myself and Mr A the morning after a night in a club, true to form we were both pretty ruined. I wanted to get as much down as possible before the whole event was removed from my memory by time. I say 'loosely' because you can never remember the nuances weeks later, we ought to take a stenographer with us just to record the bollocks spoken the next morning, i have not only re-arranged but also expanded, deleted and just plain made up some of it, but all could have been said and is definitely in character for both of us, if you ever read this Mr A, let the memories flow....

- i saw a programme about puffins the other day
- nice, anything interesting
- they're half way between normal birds and penguins, they can fly in the air and also fly underwater to catch fish
- nice, what do the penguins think about them ?
- they're not too happy, they're stuck in the water, if they want to go anywhere they've got to swim there, puffins can soar on the wing and the winds covering great distances, penguins have to get there one wing flap at a time
- i bet if they could fly they'd fuck off from antarctica
- i would, it's fucking cold down there
- the lack of reliable postal service in the southern ocean means the letters posted by penguins living in australia and south africa never reach the highlands of antarctica, the poor old emperor penguins have no idea that a few thousand miles north of that shitty ice-wasteland are warm beaches and tourists with food
- although there are sharks there too, tasty bit of emperor penguin would go down well in between bites of surfboards and tourists
- yeah, but there's leopard seals and orca in antarctica, so it's not like they're not used to being hunted
- i bet if a penguin ever met a puffin, the puffin would be all "hey look at me, i can fly in two mediums you water bound retard" and the penguin would be all "i'm gonna peck you into mush and then feed the mush to my chick, fuck off you little cocky bastard" and the puffin would be all "look, look at me, i'm flying, flyyyyinggggg"
- sounds like penguins have got a nasty case of puffin envy
- that's probably why they don't nest together
- puffins nest in burrows as well, no burrows in antarctica, only snow holes
- and penguins
- of course, puffins have real identity issues, or they're also taking the piss out of rabbits too
- i'd like to see a rabbit / puffin face-off
- i reckon the puffin would just fly around acting the twat and showing off, if it came down to the ground the rabbit would have it, punch to the head, pow, game over
- rabbits have puffin envy too ?
- maybe they just think puffins are cheeky fuckers
- if rabbits and penguins ever gang up together they could tag-team puffins into extinction
- if they couldn't go in the water for fear of penguins and couldn't burrow for fear of rabbits they'd be in a tight spot
- they could always live on cliffs
- like a common seagull, puffins are too proud. i once saw a puffin spit in a seagull's face, when the seagull tried to have him, the puffin dived into the water and surfaced 150 yards away, even a seagull can't identify an individual puffin, they all look the same, seagull wasn't to ruck off with every puffin in the area, he had to back down
- seagull should have gone for the puffin with the smug grin on his face
- maybe seagull's aren't mentally equipped to register puffin mirth
- not the brightest of birds the seagull
- not like penguins, they can convert temperatures from celcius to farenheit in their heads
- although -40 is the same in both scales so it's not much of a conversion
- good point, maybe the penguin just told me that to make himself look good
- it worked didn't it
- i was completely fooled, if i ever go back to antarctica, i'll find that penguin and tell him i know that he lied about his mental prowess
- do you reckon you can find him
- probably, it's not like they're identical like puffins, penguins have subtle but obvious differences when you know what to look for
- such as ?
- the cut of their gib, some have a feisty can-do attitude and you can see it in how they hold themselves, more erect and confident, beaks to the sky as they say in antarctica
- the alan sugar of penguins
- possibly even the richard branson of penguins, alan sugar's a bit troll like, too much hobbit blood in him
- i don't like hobbits, little hairy bastards, always getting other people to do their dirty work, maybe we could get sugar and branson to face off, surrounded by a crowd of puffins baying for blood
- i didn't realise puffins were so callous, they're almost spanish in their desire for blood and combat
- they exist only to see other species battle it out
- maybe that's why penguins hate them so much, they're like protectors of good behaviour and standards, they see puffins as filthy little air-rats
- chav puffins
- maybe they're evolving their puffin beaks towards burberry
- they've certainly got the colours in place, they just need to work on the patterns
- i hope puffins don't realise humans are weak and disorganised, hitchcock was right, birds may be small but if they can seperate an individual he's done for
- i'm going to make a puffin helmet, lets see the fuckers get though some mild steel with their proto-burberry beaks
- when the puffin balloon goes up and the puffin rebellion starts, puffin helmets will sell like hot-cakes
- i'm gonna be rich, i'll log onto the patent website and register my idea now, it won't be long before boeing and gec are begging me to let them manufacture under license
- you should milk those industrialised cunts for every dollar they've got
- i'll have to build a puffin-proof money bin to put it all
- what happens to all the people who survive the rebellion because of the helmets, they'll come after you because you'll have all the money in the world in the money bin
- i've already though of that, i'll tell the penguins that humans wearing puffin helmets are in league with the puffins and it's all a scam to wipe out the penguins, a puffin helment will have a fatal weakness when it comes to penguin attacks
- it don't work
- it don't work for shit
- how will the penguins get out of that icy shit-hole continent
- i'll build them underwater penguin transports, they can load up like it's d-day and then the transports will land on every beach in every country simultaneously, there'll be no organised response because humans will be puffin traumatised, they won't see the penguins for the threat they are, the human response will be too little and too late
- penguin attacks are at waist height
- there'll be a lot of bleeding to death from ragged arterial leg wounds
- nasty
- for the select few i'll make penguin proof mild steel trousers, combined with a puffin helmet, those people will be impervious to aquatic bird attacks, once the human population is subdued i'll make peace with the penguins and give them their choice of country to live in
- they've got to be greatful for that
- it'll calm down the remaining puffins as well, with penguins spread globally the puffins will have to lay low or they may invite a fatal penguin response
- that's the worst kind of response
- what about sharks and orcas and leopard seals
- i'll offer the penguins education on how to deal with them, sharks and orcas and seals may be a bit thick but they'll have seen the true horror of an organised penguin response when the oceans ran with human blood
- it makes you think
- it certainly does

previous - next


about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!