14.12.2009 - 2:52 p.m.

Half seen, half unseen, that's what you get for covering one of your eyes, monocularity means it's easy to lose perception of what's important. We started changing the boy's bedroom in preparation for re-decorating, which meant moving a fake wall and shrinking the airing cupboard, as i only measured once instead of twice i made the gap too narrow for the new doors, tonight i must partially disassemble and then reassemble at the correct distances, i can't cut straight either hence i bought an electric mitre-saw.

However i'm willing to have a go at nearly anything homey unless it comes with scary mental images of failure and foreboding (like replacing a boiler) in which case i'll pay a professional to do it, although i did ask a structural engineer for advice when i re-joisted and floored the attic even though i did it myself. I wouldn't recommend that you, the innocent homeowner, climb a forty foot tree to high-prune it in order to save yourself eighty squid, which is why i hawk myself as a climber, and you should recognise that falling backwards out of a tree is a silly and unnecessary way to die. No doubt a real chippy would have had the new and improved airing cupboard finished in a couple of hours, but he wasn't there because a bit of carpentry won't kill me even if i have to re-do the bits i did wrong the previous night, and i've no money to pay the real chippy.

J spent sunday with migraine and was confined to bed crying with her sore head, luckily she started to feel better in the late afternoon, migraines suck arse, i'm glad i don't get them. In a passing period in the early morning when the drugs briefly worked she was feeling slightly better and because she is the most perfect of all wives, allowed me to release some tension all over her cleavage. In return, i looked after her in her time of invalidity including but not limited to, feeding her some lunch in bed piece by piece, i remain the perfect husband despite my ever reliable failure to measure twice and cut once.

Thursday morning represents the last day of 'actual' work i have to oversee, after that i'm on doss time (unofficial) and holiday this friday (official), and in preparation i've tidied my desk of the random piles of paperwork that have lived there since the summer, in a measure of gracious thanks our 50% bonus (we can only give 50% because of the recession this year, even the board members will only get 50% in a show of solidarity - yes, very commendable, but what's 50% of 750,000 euros ?) was three times better than I was expecting, i can now buy J a laptop for xmas to replace her ailing and aged desktop (which i will borgalise into my desktop machine) everybody wins. The poor old chairman of the board will barely be able to afford a 40' luxury motor yacht on his bonus this year, i really don't know how he manages to keep his head above water.

We celebrated the bonus news with a quick bout of three room sex while dinner was cooking, i like that in an established relationship there's no longer a requirement for 'exhibition sex', this being (obviously) the kind of sex, as a man you HAVE to, nay, are OBLIGATED to supply when first shagging someone to prove just how studly you are, failure to prove will see you relegated asap and ignored as "nice enough, but not good in bed". The main tenets are : give her exactly what she wants, inclusive of foreplay until she's begging for penetration then ride hard in a variety of positions for as long as necessary until she says "i can't take much more of this, can you finish soon ?" of course i can, i could have finished at any point in between two minutes after we started and now, but i've held off to prove a point that i'm a hero, better than anyone you've had so far in your life and some kind of sly Transformer, going from clumsy, inarticulate and shy person who couldn't chat someone up in a bar to save their life, to man-of-your dreams, you'll-be-walking-funny-for-a-bit, surprisingly larger than expected, bedroom shag-bot. Now we're in tune with each other and a good few years down the road, it's "how quick can you give me an orgasm", glad to oblige darling and i'll be done here as well in another minute, i'm just enjoying you for the moment you beautiful, sexy creature.

Some people I know who are nine years into their relationships are currently:
divorced
having affairs
barely speaking
together for the kids but sniping at/nasty point scoring off one other
definitely not giving or receiving blowjobs
voluntarily spending time apart using work/gym/pub as excuses
any combination of the above

Just proves that you shouldn't invest time in a relationship that requires so much effort to sustain it that you're tired and wondering when it's going to get easier, if you're not naturally compatible then it will take that level of work and more to sustain and will never get easier, adding children to the mix in an effort to stabilise / trap someone is just dragging innocent people into your problems and will only screw them up too.

Provided we keep up the production schedule through 2010 on a similar level as this year (and i do nothing too stupid) i'm facing a healthy four figure bonus next christmas, and i'm not even a banker, not bad for a lucky moron piloting a desk with an attitude wavering between surly, dismissive and outright rude.

When is shoplifting not shoplifting ? when you hand the item to the cashier and they get confused trying to remove the pesky tag thing and forget to ring it up, before handing it back to me and asking me to take it to customer services to remove the tag, of course customer services are going to think i've already paid for it and who am i to disillusion them of this notion. This seems to happen with electric toothbrushes for me and the latest time is the third in which i've received a free toofbrush, idiots.

The karmic reaction to me getting free stuff on the naughty is that the item generally has a fault or goes wrong prematurely either due to me doing something wrong unknowingly or the universe just playing games, for this reason and this alone i believe in karma, but if you try and lay hot stones on my chakras and chant while waving your hands in a complicated yet very expensive manner over my unseeing eyes i'm guaranteed to tell you to (or offer to) stuff your warm stones into your root chakra.

When you can light a candle with your reiki powers or punch a hole in a door from across the room then give me a call and i'll be as impressed as you want, i may even compose a song in your honour, but charging �150 an hour to maintain the rent on your Islington 'studio' and not actually touching me does not qualify you as an artiste channeling powers from beyond the veil, for �50 i could get a shag from a passable hooker which would be cheaper and a great deal more satisfying for all involved.