09.12.2009 - 5:01 p.m.

With our internet window much reduced and possibly getting closeder in the future, my DNS adventures are very much curtailed, meaning i've more time to kill than ever before, and especially now we draw towards christmas and the business slows (except for the last minute panics just before the 24th). So i'm sitting here, all gorgeous and bored, with little to do except insult my colleague sitting opposite in ever more varied and entertaining ways.

To seek shelter from the boredom i'm again banging words into an email and will ctrl-c/ctrl-v into dland, so here follows an undirected stream of consciousness ramble direct from my brian to your optic nerve via the digital-dactylid interface attached to my shoulders.

I wonder if crabs and lobsters sing when no-one is around to listen, maybe some of the weird stuff picked up on hydrophones that sounds like big and heavy geological stuff a long way away is really a crooning crustacean sat right next to the microphone, singing a tale about watery adventures and how nice it was yesterday when he found a piece of dead fish no-one else had noticed, a good day in crab land and definitely worth singing about.

Still feeling nautical, do whales (and by extension all mammals that aren't human) get that satisfying feeling when you finally get to take a big long piss, i wouldn't think they have to hold it in being as they are fundamentally free to piss whenever they like, but because they're intelligent could they hold it in just to get the sense of relief when the seal is broken and four tonnes of piss is ejected through a big whaley cock.

Theoretically, if simon cowell was accidentally murderised, would the torrent of shit television which he is undoubtedly behind slow to just a trickle of shit television and eventually dry up to nothing, i'm not advocating the murderising of that fucked up, deeply troubled sociopath but if you think about it, his death can only be a good thing. He can have auditions of graveside wailers and coffin bearers and call it dead-factor or x-living factor or some other cock title.

Hungry, but only a bananana and orange to keep me going for next two hours, it's not enough, i need to find food.

"message from brain - there's a tin of quality street upstairs next to the photocopier, quick, while no-one's looking"

Noms

Made all the better because there was left over lunchbits, so also feasted on chocolate cake and sausage rolls as well

Better now, fruit can wait until after 16.20hrs, regimented application of food to sustain biomecha substrate is on course, not too much and definitely not too little. I'm guaranteed one thing should an apocalypse visit my life, i'll be eating regularly even if it means slaughtering innocents around me and feasting on their white white meat, don't judge me just because i value my full tummy over your life, for all i know you're a hypocritical fuckwit tosspot with no value to our now shattered society other than as my food, in which case i've done the world a favour by eating you, although i'm not too keen on torsos because they're full of icky stuff and i'm not hardened off to gore yet, so it's limbs ahoy for me, mmmm, barbeque leg.

Loads of people here are scared of feet, or if not scared, don't like touching them, understandably if your partner's got manky fungal feet then they're better left alone, but why scared of feet in any other circumstance and especially someone you want to be with, how do you rub their feet when they've had a heavy day if you're going to barf and pass out at the touch of them.

I had to explain lolspeak to one of our accoutants, hard work and heavy going, made heavier because cheezburger is not accessible from here no more so no easy examples, silly cow, fancy living in this digital age and still being ignorant of lolcats, she must be so totally self absorbed as to be effectively living in the eighties.

Christmas party season = christmas party fights

Sometimes i wish i could burp loud enough to shatter glass. It's funny when girls burp, i encourage J all the time, one day she'll let a big one go in public without thinking and i'll laugh and hug her tight and we'll scamper off into the crowds giggling like loons, it's the little rebellions that are the most satisfying.

I don't want to go christmas shopping, crowds are stupid and gay.

I just advised my colleague to suck a zombie dick, the shit faced monkey raping cum bucket, and he told me to cock myself in the cunt, ha ha, joke's on him, i don't have a cunt, i could cock myself in the arse because i'm lucky like that but i won't otherwise i'd have a scatcock and J won't let me touch her with it, and touching J with my tool is one of my greatest pleasures.

Anyway, colleague is fat and a bit gross and his wife moved out so he's clearly a dysfunctional loser and probably a bit gay (although she's not all there either), i asked his 'estranged' wife if he was gay and she said no, definitely not, but then why does he keep producing cuttings from gay magazines and leaving them about the office, and miming being a gayer and taking cock in various fashions ? no smoke with out fire and all that, luckily he's fairly intelligent so at least we can insult each other with a reasonable level of wit, even if he does smell.

The big vom faced turd muncher

16.22 means it's Fruit time

Noms again

Wish i could speak to animals like dr doolittle, then i could have my rabbits in the house and explain to them that eating furniture and cables is not allowed. I'd also speak to horses and make lots of money at the races, and i'd ask the odds on favourite to throw his rider at the first jump, and then while looking over the jump at the splattered, broken jockey to make that whinny sound like he's laughing just to rub it in and then wander off back to the starting gate, stupid jockeys.

It was my birfday recently and i had five or six cards and all except one had rabbits or kittens or other small animals on the front, i think i've been pigeonholed, even when i'm 67 i'll be getting birthday cards with baby rabbits on them. As i like rabbits and kittens this is no problem to me, but somewhere a 'real man' just choked on his pint of froth while discussing football from the reverberations of my fluffy crime emanating out through the fabric of 'blokespace', even now he's looking up and around the pub for the 'wanker' who just nudged him, because he so stupid he'll never realise that he's actually psychic to the reality of 'blokespace' and thinks he can drown out the strange thoughts he keeps having by loudly discussing sports while drinking pints and making misogynist comments. I'm sitting here in my fluffy world of cuteness safe in the knowledge that i'm more man than he could ever achieve and certainly more than his wife is getting (unless she's having an affair, and even then i'm probably more man than her shag) and yet he thinks he's the pinnacle of testosterone fuelled behaviour because he prefers to spend his free time with other men (in the pub, on the pitch, in the changing rooms) rather than giving pleasure to one or many women (the pleasure's also in the giving). All seems a bit gay to me, i'm sure he'd be happier if he just came out and stopped kidding himself.

We've a big german obermanager here today, apparantly he was going to come down here and quiz me on our logisitics position but it's now quarter to five and no sign yet, tomorrow he's going north to our other plant and then flying out so no questions for me this time, germans are so disorganised corporately speaking, very nice individually but crap when formed as a business, poor germans, maybe they could get the nice swiss to help them, there's a people who know how to get results.

Hitler believed in the six day creation myth, so if he was a creationist why do stupid americans keep saying he was influenced by Darwin / was a Darwinist, when he was actually influenced by Galton, Darwin had no interest or even mentioned eugenics, that was all Galton, stupid revisionist protestant evangelical cunts, we need a few more jonestown episodes to thin them out a bit, more kool-aid for the faithfull please.

Home time now, just enough time to post this meandering word river, don't judge me too harshly