17.10.2003 - 4:12 p.m.

Bluebeard did it, Murderous Bess wanted to do it, but only Burt Lancaster did it properly. Ahhh the memories, like radioactive butterflies they flit though the mind with a half-life of deomposing atoms keeping time to the eternal song of the cosmos, it's all we need I tells ya, it's all we need.

If it's not already apparant, the decision I took last week to free the irreverant side of my humour is now flowing like it should and I'm much happier for it, almost as fun as 'going postal' in a bell tower with a sniping rifle but without the bodycount. The downside of this ( for you lot anyway, there are no downsides for me ) is I'm going to keep inflicting Fauna Man on you at random points in the future until you just can't take any more, and are pleading en masse for me to just shut the fuck up.

I can tell you now I won't be listening.

Typed my name into Google last night and found some berks website who also happens to be called Sven, it's not me I can assure you. The internet is a dark and dangerous place and not to be travelled lightly, I would never have a website outside the fuzzy secure womb of D-land, it's just not safe, you've no idea how many FBI agents or perverts are the other side of that now flimsy looking firewall looking to bust my ass all the way to Camp X-ray or just bust my ass period. Scary.

If you were paying attention to drug related news earlier in the year, you'd have seen a report from the hallowed John Hopkins Medical Centre of Baltimore on MDMA. Some very well paid researchers were doing 'objective testing' of MDMA to test its toxicological effect on monkeys and so generate some baseline empirical data for politicians to rally against. The shock results of the tests were : out of 12 monkeys ( I laughed too ) 2 died very quickly, a few more suffered brain damage and the rest got over it eventually but were effectively living some kind of primate shell-shock. The pseudo-broadsheets loved this and came out with the normal garish headlines like "Killer Ecstasy" and shite like dat. A few weeks ago a much smaller report came out in the science journals saying the test was fundamentally flawed for one very simple reason, they didn't inject MDMA they injected MA, and probably pure MA , now it comes together eh ? I don't know anyone, monkey or human who injects MA and I'm not surprised there were deaths, they were cooked from the inside. I'm pretty sure a monkey doesn't know how to handle a rush like that and death was the easiest way out. Poor little bugger.

Says lots for ol' John Hopkins though, centre of excellence you say ? doesn't sound like it, I can see the headlines now : "Cedar Sinai discovers man with no head" to be followed later in the month on the back pages with "Cedar Sinai man found to be upside down when tested for head"

You dumb fucking assholes, it's one thing taking money from right wing religious groups to skew data to push a pertinant view of living within the scope of the Lord, but there's no need to murder monkeys to do it. I bet when the first data came out the sponsors couldn't believe their luck :

"Bob, have you seen this ?"

"Not yet, what've you get there John ?"

"Its a test report from John Hopkins saying drugs are bad for you and will kill you if you take them"

"John Hopkins said that, holy shit, this is what we've been waiting for all our lives, finally we can convince people to stop taking drugs, look what it did to those monkeys"

"Yeah, poor bastards, still, they died to prove a point, that our young people are only hurting themselves and their families by taking drugs"

"I've gotta get this to the President right now before I pee myself"

I think I'm better off in a world of my own construction, 'cos the one I'm in now smells a bit suspect and the colours are too dull, and the animals can't talk, and everyone's just nasty and selfish and pushing their twisted view of my planet onto everyone else in the hope it sticks, it's a bit like survival of the fittest for emotions, the more people running that emotion ( or set of emotions ) the more likely it is to survive through the generations.

If your name is Andy and you currently live in Sydney then this is for you : Stop surfing the net and do some work you lazy cvnt before I report you to immigration for loafing without a loaf permit.