20.10.2003 - 3:28 p.m.

Linda Goodman once pointed out that in any group of people, the one with their foot stuck firmly in their mouth is likely to be a sagittarian, and the only reason they�ll take the foot out is to replace it with the other foot. I�m not so sure that our lives and destinies are controlled by the movement of planets ( although it would be a great way of absolving yourself of any blame or responsibility �Jupiter made me do it yer honour� ) but she�s got a point.

I have come to realise that my mouth has long been independent of my brain and free to form words and phrases as it feels, usually the wrong words and phrases, and usually not what was intended by my brain in the first place. To this end I learned to keep my mouth shut in most circumstances where it�s likely to say the wrong thing, but still it manages most of the time despite my best efforts otherwise. I�m thinking of have a sign round my neck saying �ignore word noise from mouth, that�s not what I wanted to say�

I�m no less tactless than the rest of the male population, and my general intent and non-vocal abilities go a long way to re-dressing the balance ( and how ! woo-hoo) , but I still have no control over me maw, shame.

Unfortunately the one person who bears the brunt of my runaway trap is J, I�ve never been happier with anyone than I am with her and most of the time I manage to express it eloquently, but occasionally it all goes wrong, my brain disengages and blweurweggysnarfolmasouer, words pour out with no thought attached, it�s not a deliberate attempt to upset or crank up the insecurity level and by the time I realise what�s just been said it�s too late, attempts to rectify generally just make it worse. I may yet set up a self-help group like Alkies-Anon for people afflicted with Babbling Mouth Syndrome.

My only hope is that she can see the idea of what I�m trying to put across while I try and apologise for what actually came out in it�s place, but by then my brain�s given up on the rest of me, slammed the door, closed the curtains and gone to bed in disgust, so my whole body has effectively been hi-jacked by my mouth. Great. And with no further intervention from my brain I�m stuffed from that point forward until it wakes up and pulls me out of the hole I�m trying to dig my way out of.

So for all the stupid and insensitive things that I seem to be saying, it�s not really me saying them, and it�s not what I meant at all. I may be about to chuck a huge spanner in the works anyway, but it doesn�t change how I feel inside right now, and that feeling isn�t going to disappear, despite what happens. The only problem I have is communicating the inside to the outside without garbling it beyond recognition.

So This is what I really mean, all the time and without modification, anything that comes out contrary to that is unintended and a verbal aberration of the actual truth and should be ignored. Sometimes I think it would be easier to show with a Holophonium if only I knew how to play it properly.

Luckily my mouth has no input in the link between my brain and hands so I can at least type without screwing it up good and proper.

Ha ha ha, that�s what you think, this is Mouth and I�m in control of this body now hands and all, all kneel before me ha haaaaaaaa hah ahahhhahaaaaaaa, ah no, wait a minute, fuck off brain, this body�s going to Cuba and there�s nothing you can do to stop me, eeep don�t do that I need that to make nois�����..