01.12.2009 - 3:44 p.m.

< rant >

Unfortunately, fashion has again forced it's way to the front of consciousness and is affecting the organ that generates bile and now must be expelled to prevent a dangerous backlog and possible explosion. Two things have triggered this, an unscheduled and brief foray into the daily mail which has garnered the expected reaction, and some stuff i've had bubbling away but was waiting for a decent photo or two which i now know will never arrive, and not only that i'm being taunted by the universe because it knows it will never arrive, and like a sudden pressure drop in the upper reaches of a magma chamber featuring a high ratio of silicates and dissolved gases once the outpouring has started it has to finish.

Luckily, anyone with eyes and no crippling agoraphobic condition will be able to spot these items of hatred in any high street or mall so photo's are not necessarily important, you may indeed be a bearer of these things in which case don't take any of the following personally, but if we ever meet don't expect me to like you.

People who think hobo/hippy/distressed chic is 'in' and very specifically, people who's trouser bottoms drag along the floor behind them or they walk on them because either a) their trousers are low to show off their pants or b) their trousers are too long because they think it looks cool.

In fact this is only cool if having filthy, matted trouser material is cool and it never has been, that's why people throw money from a distance at, or avoid entirely, dirty stinking hobos with matted, encrusted beards.

The pant showers are generally teenagers and early twents who are compensating for social anxiety or low self esteem by buying name branded shorts and ensuring they are visible at all times by lowering the trousers, thus making them brave and edgy but in a sad passive manner. If the trousers fit in the first place they then end up six inches lower than they should be with at least four inches being under the heel of their shoes.

This four inches gradually becomes tattered and ripped but more importantly the material picks up / soaks up every piece of filth, shit and pollution that the owner walks over, and if you're walking in a city that can really add up.

If the weather is inclement the four inches also becomes a wick and the water that would otherwise get no further than the sole of the shoe can climb up the leg. I once saw a girl walking in the rain with draggy troos and the dark tide mark up the inside of her jeans reached to her knees.

So what you might say, what's the harm, well you've spent all day at the mall or pounding the pavement just, y'know, 'hanging out' and over the course of the day you've gathered samples of shitfilth from every surface you've walked on, now you go home and transfer everything you've collected to the floor of your house, you might as well mop your living room with a really scuzzy, graying janitors mop, like one that every school had at the back of the boiler room or you might find in a fast food restaurant.

Would you actually use a Mcdonalds mop to clean your house ?

Would you really ?

Then why would it be acceptable to wipe over your floors with a filty street rag attached to your legs, there's no need and it's sickening. I don't have OCD before anyone starts finger pointing but equally I find it unlikely that someone would deliberately drag a towel along a city street and then try to polish their floors with it, why not I ask, oh, the normal reasons they reply, but yet they fail to see the blindingly obvious connection between the janitors mop and their hideous clothing.

The boy insists on wearing his trousers low and he also destroys them from the bottom up, he once decided to wear highly absorbant tracky bottoms in the rain doing a paper round and sure enough the ruined part at the bottom looked like they'd been dipped in a slurry pit by the time he got home, i made him take them off at the front door and they were unceremoniously thrown in the washing machine (i would have preferred bin) before he could transfer the slurry to floors of the house.

If we can't stop dead this preference for fashion filth then we can at least ostracise the bearers by not letting them in our houses, stay outside you dirty fucks, see how long you last in your ruined hippy shoes that let water in and draggy trousers, how�s the hypothermia in your legs ?

Ugg boots are probably the most hated, overrated, filthy marketing success ever pulled since the last one (crocs i think), not only does their marketing machine support and condone the relentless spamming of this fair community, they are also destroying a generation of feet. At no other time have people said "y'know, what i need are a pair of boots that aren't waterproof or provide any support for my feet or fit my feet in any way, in fact i need footware that gives the impression of being good but is in fact shit in nearly every way"

When the Inuit do it and make mukluks (from which the ugg is stylistically descended) they make them robust, waterproof and warm because they're made for a purpose, the ugg is almost the polar (arf) opposite of a mukluk in every way except general outline and style, and despite being shit, a robust marketing programme can still make them fly of the shelves, in fact if marketed properly turds on sticks could be successfully sold to children and they'd love 'em because everyone else had them and they want to be like everyone else.

It's a racing certainty that more than one girl who reads this will own a pair of uggs, however are you that person who lets them get all crumpled and ends up with half the ankle part under your heel and then continues to walk on them until you've got the footware equivalent of the elephant man hanging onto your toes and your feet are twisted at a strange angle because of this ?

I was in tesco earlier formulating this rant and there was a girl behind me displaying exactly this thing, her right heel was hanging over the inside edge of the boot sole where it had slipped down and she'd repeatedly walked on it and not once

STOPPED TO PULL THE FUCKING THINGS BACK UP HER LEG

And the reason she'd never pulled them up is because they don't fit unless you buy uggs one size physically smaller than your feet. I tried to get a sneaky photo of her boots but as they were black and my phone's not so good the picture probably won't come out (if it does come out i'll post it), I considered asking her permission to get a good photo but when she would undoubtedly ask why and I would have to respond

"because you make me sick and I want to broadcast your failure to the world, sort yourself out you idiot skank, do you realise what you look like, have you no self respect"

I suppose she would take offence, and being a youngish girl probably cry, people eh ?

There you have it, the shitty, elephant man ugg boots and skanky poo trousers, if you go outside you will undoubtedly see both these things sooner or later, if one of your friends wears either of these badges of stupidity please take a nice, clear photo and mail it to me here just so there's no ambiguity.

The unplanned visit to the daily wail provided me with this little gem of brainless cockshit. Not content with the newspaper and magazine industry working full fucking time to reduce normal attractive women to insecure, bulimic, binge drinking rape victims, via lurid headlines shouting who's lost weight, who's gained weight who's wearing what to where and with whom, and the never ending drudgery spun out by talentless hacks trying to fill column inches with vapid toss so they can get to the pub by lunchtime, they whole thing is now moving on to competition�s by proxy.

The amount of paper dedicated to what some film tart wore a) to a film premier b) on holiday c) first thing in the morning as she gets the milk of the doorstep d) walking down the street is absurd, if aliens ever judge us by watching E! as it's beamed out to proxima centauri we are really really fucked.

Anyway the whole "what's katie cruise wearing, oh doesn't she look great in that fifty thousand pound gilet" (there has to be some upside to being married to a gay scientologist) is soooo last year as to not be worth considering, i mean, that's what people were looking at last year, you have to move with the times, now it's all

"lets compare the fashion of the children of film tarts"

And we're presented with photos the children of jessica alba and katie cruise. You might as well compare pictures of a pineapple and a kiwi fruit, but it's given them the excuse to use that photo they have of ms alba's kid and generate a page of meaningless shit text to fill a page with information that has no bearing on your daily life whatsoever.

Unless you're stalking the children of jessica alba and katie cruise, in which case you've probably already got copies of the pictures from the scum papp cunt who took them and have had them blown up to A0 size for the shrine in your basement.

< /rant >