Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

close up - 17.11.2010
i'm not a lumberjack, but i am ok - 05.11.2010
tittewagen - 04.11.2010
bow chika wa wa - 26.10.2010
pointless quaver moaning - 13.10.2010

23.06.2010 - 2:21 p.m.


At the moment the whole world is lost in the stupidity and contest-of-pissing that is Foot-the-ball: Global edition. As sport is gay i can see no rewards for participating as a spectator unless to fill the void in your life that is filled by vicariously living through others' experiences. Charlie Brooker (who you should seek out and read) encapsulated the whole shebang in the following statement

"A huge number of my fellow citizens tune in and witness a glorious contest of ecstatic highs and heartbreaking lows. I see 22 millionaires ruining a lawn."

and he's got a point, most of the players in western countries are making in excess of fifty grand a week, and in any currency (except zimbabwe dollars) that's a shit load of money considering kicking a ball accurately is the only skill most of these silk clad, bentley driving retards actually have, that and not being able to keep their dicks in one woman for more than a week at a time.

Hardly ambassadors for our nation, when the england team first arrived in rustenberg they were met with the obligatory dancing and singing reception by staff and excited children, the looks of boredom and disdain on their faces and angrily folded arms captured by the tv cameras as they watched the proceedings was well out of order. Considering nearly everything they do is televised or ends up on the front pages of the tabloids you'd think they'd be given instructions to at least smile and look interested whenever cameras are pointing at them so as not to look like supercilious arrogant cunts.

Representing our country ? fuck all you pampered tossers, surely there's someone's wife out there you've not fucked yet, i suggest you go find her or better yet, return to the bomb sites of liverpool from whence most seem to have been spawned, you don't represent me or stand for what i stand for. I'd be happy to see football games involving a randomly mined pitch, now when you take a dive because someone's lightly tapped you there's a good chance you'll get your arm blown off at the waist, that'll give you something to cry about, fading crusty cockstains the lot of 'em.

Canada is having a reconciliation, because that's the 'in' thing for the 21st century, apologising for being evil bigoted racists in the previous centuries (while remaining evil bigoted racists now, but quietly this time). Australia did it, and south africa did it (although for slightly different reasons, but i bet at least one orphanage had abusive priests / nuns) everyone wants to get in on this game, many of these 'foster homes' were run by child abusers hiding under the frocks and guise of the priesthood, and no doubt a whole new country of children to systematically abuse was too much of an opportunity to pass up, Super Adventure Club, ACTIVATE ! Molestron, i choose you.

Given a time machine i'd take a shitload of modern weapons back four hundred years and arm the native americans, inuit and aborigines to the mutherfucking teeth, first sight of a 42 gunner hoving into botany bay and an RPG to the waterline, half drowned sailors swimming to shore to be met with claymores, fuck you imperialist europe with your rapey ideas about resources and peoples, here's some equality at eight hundred feet per second (per second). Spain and portugal are the next in line to apologise for going all rape'n'murder-quest on south america, but they never will because apologies don't come easy out of catholics and (stolen) countries.

J arrived for her daily dose of high energy misery today to find that out of three multi million pound scanners, two are broken and one's been turned off. I'm starting to wonder if these machines are actually made of elastic bands, dust bunnies and good wishes, just how delicate and unreliable a machine would you expect to receive after handing over a seven figure cheque ? Here's a scenario for the NHS featuring (in order) a medical scanner salesman, an nhs executive, an unspecified engineer and the same nhs executive :

"right that's the machines installed now we can get to healing people"
"would you like to see about our comprehensive warranty for the solaburn 3000, it includes all parts and labour with 24hr call out for the next three years"
"we're the nhs we can't afford warranties and we'll not be dragged into some terrible pact with you just to be overcharged, we're more than capable of pissing money up the wall ourselves"
"fair enough it's your choice but i'd really recommend the warranty, these machines are state of the art and....."
"i think i made myself clear mr salesman, if it breaks down we'll get it fixed ourselves, we are the nhs you know we have expensive resources you cannot possibly comprehend"
"suit yourself, sign here for the installation and i'll be on my way, if you need anything here's my card"

three weeks later as a dirty engineer reappears from the depths of a scanner the size of a small bus,

"well your power couplings have depolarised and the main electron balancers are burnt out, the source is still active so that�s ok otherwise you'd be in real trouble, i can get the couplings repolarised with some fresh muon capacitors and a new balancer circuit board direct from japan, i reckon we'll have this up and running in a few weeks"
"we can't wait a few weeks, we're the nhs, we've got too many people depending on us"
"did you not take out the warranty, i've heard it's very comprehensi......"
"we're the nhs we don't bow down to manufacturers demands, we stand alone and proud, what can you do to fix this now ?"
"er i can't, not without compromising the safety lockouts"
"that's not good enough, i could lose my job if this isn't working today, it's not my fault, you must FIX THIS NOW"
"well, er.....i could bridge the couplings with a length of copper pipe and i've a spare circuit board for a steel furnace arc controller, that's nearly the same, but there's a risk to your patients with power fluxes and..."
"fuck those losers, i can't lose my job, not again and not over this, you must get this working before anyone realises"
"righto guv, sign this disclaimer and i'll get started"

I thought when we we moved away from flimsy valves and into the brave new world of solid state electronics that stuff would be better, smaller and better, but it seems that reliability hasn't improved, the extra complexity cancels out any benefits from modern manufacturing so we're still poking at stuff with the blunt end of a screwdriver while a man in overalls shakes his head. Of course they could be broken because of conflicts in the software required to run the damn thing, in which case a spotty teenager with basement pale skin and an unhealthy coding problem could probably sort out the issue from his basement.

Many news sources (in the loosest possible sense) have reported that christine aguilera's album has fallen like a faulty satellite being hugged by the endless power of gravity out of the charts, and not a moment too soon. Maybe this is a sign that we're all completely fucking fed up with edgy girl artistes and their edgy performances trying to endlessly out-edge every other edgy clone artiste, could this be the imminent end of a seemingly neverending parade of posturing and fucking ridiculous mini-donnas parading about in their underwear and trying to shock. We're not shocked as we've seen it all before, over and over, the harder they try to be individually shocking, the less shocking they are.

Fair enough to madonna, as she was the (probably, i'm not doing any research here) first, since then every teeny bop no-talent attention whore has turned her daddy issues into a second rate stage show where she mimes or very rarely, sings along to a backing track composed by faceless composers who get paid by the job and care not if it's any good. Personally i'm waiting for the news that lady gaga has been crushed in a freak accident involving a fifteen ton animatronic python she was trying to ram up her muff, and finally we can be free of that particular no-septum, no talent fuckwit and all collectively take a small step back from the brink of idiocracy, wearing a phone on your head doesn't make you unique talking point.

In a perfect world, gaga would have died from an embolism on that plane because of her stupid outfit, like capone going down for tax evasion, that kind of accidental failure in people trying so hard to be 'out there' is proof that karmic realignment works. We've already got cyrus' career planned out, she started like lohan and she'll end like lohan, fucked up, strung out, penniless and doing muff shots for mens magazines to pay for meth, as if anyone cares.

[UPDATE - ha fucking ha]

By then we'll all be hooked on the 'next big thing' that cowell and his ilk are no doubt planning even now, i've got money on singing monkeys in suits.


oh no not again

(Actually i quite like the monkees)

previous - next


about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!