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19.03.2006 - 5:46 p.m.

Me an J were invited by her cuz for dinner at theirs, we thought it would be cool and a laugh so we did, on the way we picked up some vino (merlot, pinot grigio and a blush zinfandel) to go with each course of the dinner, as you do.

Upon arriving we sat down in the lounge and chatted briefly before being ushered into the dinning room for the starter. The table was laid up with wine glasses and the starter came out, towards the end of the starter there was still no sign of a drink, so I asked if I can have a drink.

At this point most hosts upon having it pointed out that the guests were slowly dehydrating would say,

�oh my god, I completely forgot, what can I get you ?�

instead I got,

�no, you�ll have to wait, I�ve got a bottle waiting�
�there�s a bottle of rose that would do nicely� I counter,
�oh you want to drink your own wine do you ?�

I put on my confused and slightly let down face, J and I exchanged a look and we finished off the starter. Then cuz and her husband went into the kitchen to prepare the main course, there followed some urgent whispering between J and I along the lines of,

- I only wanted a drink because I�m so thirsty
- She�s my cousin and I�m beside myself with rage
- Do you think they�d notice if we nipped down to the pub
- I can�t believe she said that, I�d never say that, what kind of psycho is she

And then they both came back bearing the main course and a wine bottle, ahhh a wine bottle, not only that but a bottle of lambrusco light�..

Now we both like lambrusco, it has its place in the world, I drink it straight from the bottle because it tastes like lemonade and is refreshing. We�re left with the bottle, J fills up the four glasses. At this point I reason that if this bottle goes quickly they�ll have to bring out another bottle, preferably one of the bottles we brought, so I down my first glass in one and refill it, at this point J tells me I can�t down the second glass because it�d be rude to do so, I counter that they�ve just served up lambrusco when there�s fifteen quids worth of real wine in the kitchen but I do as I�m told.

Somehow the lambrusco lasts the whole meal and there�s no more wine until they�re clearing for dessert, mmm dessert, apparently we�re having apple crumble, yummy, and to go with yummy apple crumble we�re having���.merlot, straight from the fridge where all the bottles were put when we arrived, with condensation dripping down the bottle, fantastic.

Obviously the merlot tastes bloody awful chilled to 4 degrees but I drink it anyway, I consider letting the crumble wait while the wine warms up so I can actually appreciate it, but I�ve finished last on every course so far (because I eat slowly) so I drink it cold.

At this time it has been driven home to me that these people are grape hating sociopaths, who clearly know nothing about,

a) wine
b) hosting dinner parties
c) goto a)

I have now made a conscious decision to drink as much of the wine as possible so none remains in this house of terror, so I finished the merlot and dessert was cleared away. We then adjourned to the lounge for witty repartee and social comment, the bottle of blush was brought out and I started on it. No sooner are we sitting comfortably then cuz�s husband moves to the dvd cabinet and starts picking out films, in the end starsky and hutch is put on. Me and J are still giving each other looks that might say,

We need to get out of here
I still can�t believe this is happening
We�re never coming here again

The film wasn�t bad, I managed to drink nearly all the blush but by now I�m feeling the booze and have to stop otherwise I�ll be suffering the next day. There�s a small amount of chat before cuz bluntly offers us a lift home, we accept gratefully.

So we�re laying in bed later going over at what point we slipped through a wormhole to a parallel dimension where weirdo�s live and agreeing never to darken their towels again. The light goes out and I�m left with a guilty pang for the remaining bottle of Pinot that I couldn�t drink and is now imprisoned in the fridge in the house of doom never to be appreciated, in the dark I say,

�the poor little pinot, all lonely and scared�

J starts laughing, I shed a little tear.

This week I also passed my practical assessment CS38 Aerial Rescue, and can now rescue people trapped in trees, I spent the day manfully swinging through the tree, and walking out to the branch ends and balancing on a two inch thick branch before taking turns with another guy to rescue each other from various situations. The examiner said I was technically excellent and wrote this on the assessment form, I feel very manly and fearless, like I�d just killed my first lion barehanded. Examiner also said I should have no problems with the next phase which is CS39 Using a Chainsaw from a Rope and Harness, and upon completing that I can begin work as a tree surgeon / climber for an Arb company and so start a new life free of offices and stupid production schedules.

Just ten weeks until my skool life is over and I rejoin the tax paying masses, at this time J and I also have to get a mortgage to buy our first house ( my first house, her fourth ) which I�m looking forward to but as I rarely get excited about anything J can�t tell if I�m happy or not about this, I tell her I�ll be excited when we�ve got a mortgage confirmed and can begin auditioning houses for the position of �place we want to live� and not before, a lifetime of being let down has left me cynical and tired, so there�s no getting excited until all the tricky bits are cleared up. News to follow.

As I type this I can still taste the memory of the chilled merlot going down, the horror, the horror. If you find yourself in this situation don�t chicken out like I did, smash the bottle on the table and shout,

�how dare you serve this chilled, have you no conscious, are you completely stupid, what kind of moron serves red wine cold, have you rocks in your head, I can�t believe you have actually brought this to the table��..� (keep going and don�t stop until the hosts are in tears and the strobing cobalt flash of the fuzz appears at the windows)

Philistines, what is the world coming to�..

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