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close up - 17.11.2010
i'm not a lumberjack, but i am ok - 05.11.2010
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bow chika wa wa - 26.10.2010
pointless quaver moaning - 13.10.2010

21.01.2010 - 4:32 p.m.

Since yesterday i've been rediscovering places on the 'tubes where i may have some access again, and i stumbled into the bi-polar world of shitcake-mad people as identified on www.lamebook.com. For a while i laughed and alternately cried at the humour and Oh The Humanity, it's like someone has trawled the world of facebook and concentrated all the stupid in one place for our displeasure.

One thing is abundantly clear, most people (and it's not limited to teenagers although they do form a sizable demographic) are complete dicks. But what i'm having trouble with is

a) are the education standards in the US so low that people actually spell like they do because they think that's how stuff should be spelled, and
b) in the never ending race to be 'individual' where most teenagers end up looking and talking identically, has one person's inability been copied because it's so 'fresh', or
c) are they trying to out 3l33t everyone else in some kind of retarded, nonsensical contest where the only losers are those writing the words and those reading the words, or
d) are they endeavouring to disassociate themselves from the herd by inventing ever more retarded methods of making their text completely fucking illegible, even though it's typed ?

At great expense to my images folder, i've cut-n-pasted three examples of the worst offenders i found in Lamebook and entered them below for your lulz at the expense of the moron who typed them, it's almost a guarantee that you'll get a headache trying to actually read them so i suggest just skimming through, your brain will thank you, now enter the Zoobook :

Exhibit 1 - Don't try and read too much, it contains neither useful information or any salient points about Lauren that you would want to know

Even without reading any of the words you know it's been written by a teenage girl, as far as i can determine she's either burdened with early-onset parkinson�s disease and poor eyesight coupled with the literacy of a three year old, or every line of this typographical abortion is a cleverly crafted critique on the modern expectations of english grammar and succinctness. She also seems to confuse questions with answers, as demonstrated in the very first line, but yet fails to answer any questions of relevance, other than she does needs to be slapped hard.

Exhibit 2 - He'd be a gangsta if only someone would lend him the money. On an unrelated note, if my name was Thelonious, i would change my surname to Funk. Thelonious Funk is a fuckin' bad-ass name.

I think this example was never a homage to 3l33t, more a deliberate attempt to advertise to his 'friends' that he's "too cool for skool" and therefore a force to be reckoned with. Anyone who muscles in on this guy's hustle is going to regret it, primarily i assume because he probably talks like he writes and there's a period of confusion when compatriots try to work out whether he just insulted them or not. Knob, 1st class.

Exhibit 3 - Amber keeps looking for 'satification' but sadly she's working too hard on her bad-girl image

Here we see a clear case of straight-forward demonic possession, a large(ish) percentage of words are spelled correctly, she obviously can't spell any complicated words 'cos she don't wanna look like a n3rd to her friends, but the random application of the caps key has ensured that any legibility is rendered asunder in the face of her bile. I would think that her private diary that she hides under the mattress is probably written in perfect, curly, girly handwriting, and this CAPS nightmare is her 'public face'. Whenever you hear someone describing themselves in such superlatives as "crazy ass random" and "I'm not your average bitch" and "i've been through more shit than you see on tv" how many of us immediately see a girl who had a 8pm bedtime up until she was 14 and is so average it's painful and this pile of words is her rebelling, ah, bless. I do wonder if the odd examples of HTML have been deliberately inserted afterwards with great care, not too much, not too little, just enough. I bet she cried when she last lost her favourite care bear, and will cry again in private next time something doesn't go her way, but if you see her crying she'll likely have a rant in your face before stropping off. But in the end it's ok because she's stronger than you and nothing matters to her because she's so hard. Another specimen requiring a hard slap.

It did occur to me that i may just be painfully out of touch with what ever may be considered 'street' these days, and that my sheltered english middleish class upbringing has not prepared me for the full effect that you can only achieve by livin' it real, from the block, day by day, as they say. As a counterpoint however i know that most people who claim to be gangsta's of either gender are usually also middleish class and desperate to appear dangerous, if you're not prepared to actually shoot a cop then why not make up impenetrable monologues on facebook about how you 'could' shoot a cop but don't want to because "I az rspct fr al tings, yo, an de pggz are b3neth me"

Thankfully we'll be able to weed out these people simply by hanging signs to the bunkers bearing words in full sentences, with punctuation and using big words, and then hang other signs that say "yo d00dz, dis wy 2 d dope crib" and then guide them out to sea or into a crack in the ground.

Fucking lightweights

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