20.01.2010 - 12:29 p.m.

I turned on, i dropped in and there was nothing to tune into, do i now feel like a failure for failing to tune in, schismatic shades of Leary's ghost smirks at my inability to become one with the universe, now i'm sad. News aggregators do nothing to enlighten, same old boring boring 'news' there's no innovation, everyone's in a rut, cults are still crazy like horses, politicians are still unbelievably short sighted, and no-one's making an effort, so where's the standard i can hold to my own life ?

Standards it appears are illusionary, you could join the peace corps or VSO to gain a sense of achievement, you could spend a few grand on apple stuff (i guess that would get you one imaginary tablet) for the ultimate smug-enriched lifestyle of the fanboy/girl, purchase of apple products also gets you a lifetime pass to annoy people on the internet and parties. I'm far too lazy to do VSO, being as i am, quite comfortable living in my house and working a undemanding job, and i won't own apple products on principle - fuck you Jobs, the downside of that last one is i'll be forever burdened with micro$oft $hitware, which is only ever two keystrokes away from being co-opted by a hackers botnet, even if you're not a journalist or chinese.

Maybe i'm still in my SAD period, which usually kicks in late feb, early march, if i am then it's come early this year, another case for climate change no doubt. I tried prozac once which wasn't pleasant in any way, maybe because i'm not crazy, that was the closest i've ever come my whole life to having the emotional range of a piece of concrete, probably there's nothing wrong with me at all that some stimulating conversation can't fix, but there's no chance of that at work this week so i remain in the doldrums, pah. 1Club.fm is keeping me company with some progressive trance, which is nice and to alleviate the boredom i'm imagining wif in various states of dress/undress, which predictably leaves me with a desk-lifter, temporary fun but not sustainable without her being present, after all, men's sexual stimulation is largely optically based, transitory, partially-substantialised mind porn is ok in the very short term, but can't ever compare to actually looking at a sexy person in the same room.

For some reason unknown we can get into facebook at work today, it must be a temporary glitch although i've not tried previously so maybe it was always open and we were too cowed to try it, but if there aren't people constantly testing the limits of a corporate firewall how do we know it works, i'm doing them a favour, no doubt it'll show up on a Admin list and get slammed down again in a day or so.

I think i saw my ex on failblog, and it's freaked me out a little bit, i've had almost nothing to do with her for ten years and she was just a rapidly fading memory, i hardly remembered anything except the bad stuff before we finished, and then i saw this woman who is, if not her exact double, then actually her, and all my years of hard work have vanished in the time it took to load a webpage. I'm sorely tempted to contact her if only to ask "i never remember you being that laissez faire with your body image, did the voices in your head tell you that it was ok or are you proving a point for middle aged women everywhere ?" but that would violate my "the past is buried for a reason, so leave it there" rule. No doubt she'll call me at the next highly inconvenient moment as she has done in the past, i'll let J ask her then.

With the shaky moment in haiti, everyone has been working very hard to push their own particular agenda's, i particularly like the idea of sending solar powered audio bibles, as a manufacturer of solar powered audio bibles has decided to send over boxes of them. When you're thirsty and tired and your friends and family are dead and you're unsure about the future, what you really need is someone preaching to you in a flat, crackly english monotone about how god loves you, the repentant sinner. And how could anyone overlook the scientologists who are always eager to show how much they care, they've sent Travolting over with e-meters and scientological ministers. Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse as you huddle in your makeshift tent, some cultish fuckwit wants to check your electrical resistance in case you're eligible (and who isn't) to join a cult where ultimately things are only going to get worse than your present condition of sitting in a rubble filled ditch, hungry, at least no-one's actually beating you up or psychologically torturing you.

I'd like to donate a couple of Stingers (stolen from the mujahadeen courtesy of the good 'ol CIA, you've got to admire the conviction with which they meddle) to the haitian relief fund, so that on final approach, Travolting's aircraft and its revolting cargo can be sent into the sea where it truly belongs, maybe he'll find a secret thetan undersea colony, no doubt that would cheer him up as the last vestiges of oxygen leaves his blood. If he had any human decency he'd smuggle a load of medical supplies on board as well, as a scientologist 'super-member' i'm sure he's exempt from the normal retributions the peons have to endure.

Fucking moron.