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02.03.2004 - 8:53 a.m.

The scene opens on two men ( for the purposes, think of Bill Nighy and Joe Don Baker ) sat in large elderly leather chairs in an expensively decorated gentlemans club:

"You see Brad, there are certain things that we, the British intelligence service are loath to do, I mean, he is the Secretary of the UN, it's just not cricket"

"I understand that Henry, but our CinC is a little paranoid these days, thinks everyone's out to get him, or worse, everyone's out to exclude him. He'd like to know how the UN is going to vote on certain matters and he'd like to know before anyone else"

"Well I can see your point, but you can't just go blundering into these things, a certain light touch is required, we all know how finely balanced the UN is, all those egos crammed into one building could go either way at any time. More to the point my chubby chum, what's in it for us ?"

"The Boss thinks we're nearly close enough now to start sharing some resources, all this positive War on Terror stuff has brought us together and we could sure go for some mutual back-scratching right about now"

"Well we have the right people in the right places right now, it just depends what you're ready to open with ?"

"I have a mandate to make this happen, what's it worth ?"

"You didn't hear it from me but you know that satellite of yours, the one with the really big telephoto lens, we'd like some airtime to look at british interests"

"I don't see a problem with that, but this is hush-hush, not many people know about ElmoIV and we like it like that, how can you guarantee security for the proceeds of your airtime, events of late have left us a little suspicious about Tony's desire to sacrifice everyone and everything to save his position ?"

"We've been hiding things from the public for three hundred years, I don't see any problems with that. British politicians know that there are some things the public does not need to know, I mean, anyone with half a brain knows everyone is bugging everyone else but you don't go around talking about it, it's like an elephant in a kitchen, you know it's there but you don't like to say anything just in case, anyone who opens their mouth is either stupid or mad, in any case they'll be discredited and quietly shipped somewhere remote. On a similar note, how can we be sure that the information we gather won't end up in the hands of one of your potential candidates looking to score points off George ?"

"With the amendments going through the House right now, pretty soon no-one's going to be able to take a shit without us knowing about it, and if they know we know and try to object, we'll throw them into a detention centre in Cuba before they can open their mouths to question us"

"That all seems in order then, I'll have my office give you a call later in the week to arrange things, good day to you"

Ahhh that was nice, I'm taking imaginary bets on what'll happen to Clare Short :

2-5 - disciplinary hearing

20-1 - public beating outside parliament building

50-1 - forced to stand for Rockall at the next election

100-1 - has her mouth sewn shut and a bucket riveted to her head

250-1 - melted down into a spare body for Mo Mowlam

1250-1 - made Prime Minister for her services to truth and the public good

And nowwwwwwww, it's the nostalgia corner, and today in the nostalgia corner we have a nostalgiac type question, so it's over to the Nostalgia Owl for todays nostalgia question, Nostalgia Owl give us a growl !

Today everybody, I need the name of the dragon ~whit~ whoooooo lived in Ivor's firebox ? there's a prize* for the fastest correct answer.**

I was planning a big long rant type ghostly moaning thing about Arnie, Dubya and their homosexual terror, the rise of the fundamentalist christian right in amerikkka and their tendancy to influence government policy, but in the cold light of day it doesn't matter and I don't care, if yer gay and want to get married, do it in europe, it won't get you equal rights for you and your partner but at least you won't get shot or blamed for the fall of civilization. There's nothing like a schism for ruining a well established religion, ho ho ho...........Hang on a minute I just realised, how's it ok to be married by a gay minister and not ok to be gay and married by a minister ?

Go schism, ra ra ra.

You must go Here, right now or sooner and laugh out loud at the evil man has created and forced onto himself musically like.

Pending the release of the next FaunaMan installment, if there's anyone out there with a talant for moody, gothic, superhero art I'm looking for something to go with the entries, a pictorial header if you will. Send a note or a guestbook thing with a link or whatever if you are able to impress me.

Hurrah for fish.

Zebras are evil and must be transmuted.

* - the prize will be something Owl related, maybe a pellet of crushed mouse bones ?

** - that doesn't mean you write the answer on the back of a cheetah, it means the fastest reply to the Owl's question***

*** - although if you can get the cheetah to deliver the answer to my hand it'll count for the same, and I may try and find a cheetah related prize**** for enlisting the help of an animal.

**** - maybe the hind leg of a dead gazelle ?

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