13.01.2010 - 12:27 p.m.

Some of the more basic forms of humour can be the most satisfying, everyone loves slapstick to a greater or lesser extent, whether it's Punch doing his bit for gender equality, Buster Keaton/Charlie Chaplin larking about with the keystone kops or a person going arse-over-tit in the street, chances are you'll laugh at one or more of the three above.

We also like to see people who aren't us, fail, and fail badly when they do (which i suppose is similar to the slapstick, except you replace the little tramp with long ladder with an MP and rentboy confessions). When the MP's expenses thing started, we were giggling to ourselves nightly everytime another gravy swilling, expenses claiming fraudster had to lay on the line that he'd spent 64p on a plug, �138 on a kitchen stool or 2 grand on cleaning a moat, and of course, don't forget the 55 grand on fake mortgage payments.

But a lot of this is just simple greed, MP's were always allowed (under an interpretation of the rules) to claim whatever they wanted and no-one ever checked as the taxpayer was picking up the tab, so why bother. What i really like are the individuals who stand on mighty plinths made of principles and morals who are then exposed to be carrying out those very actions which they rail against to the rest of us slobs. The 'do as we say, not as we do' crowd, obviously the highest moral code is held by the lofty reaches of the religious orders, they quote stuff to us direct from the gob of the sky daddy so there's some authority you can get your teeth into. These double standards have been in place for so long we don't even get upset any more by the hypocrisy, clear as you like, right in your face (or right in the face of a altarboy as it turns out for the catholic church, homosexuality is a sin but our priests are beyond reproach and therefore beyond sin, so we'll cover it up for the good of everyone) Just goes to show you that humans are not equipped to execute laws of infallibility due to the fact that we're so shit at it.

Pat Robertson did very nicely using tax exempt donations from gullible cross-fodder telethon viewers to finance his own (blood) diamond mining operations in war torn parts of central Africa, and the wreck of the bad ship Ted Haggard ran aground on a reef made of rent boys and meth, apparently he's been cured of teh gay now, they probably gave him antibiotics or something and of course the healing power of prayer. Meth and prostitutes isn't really much of scandal amongst normal liberal type people, just a good night out, as long as you don't hold a position say that gay is bad and drugs turn you to satan.

The most recent and therefore fresh and juicy 'revelation' is the wife of the northern irish first minister, she had an affair (so what) it was with a teenager (good for both of them) she obtained for him a business loan under dubious circumstances (careless abuse of position but he now owns a business so why not) and she's an evangelical protestant who is quoted as saying [sic] "government has a responsibility...to uphold god's law morally" and she thinks gays are sinful (now we're talking) and when her husband found out about the affair she tried to commit suicide (and failed, so she wasn't really trying) and was sent to a secure unit for treatment (crazy, crazy, crazy bird)

If she'd not said anything to anyone out loud about her evangelical position on godly morals, no-one would have paid any attention to a woman lavishing gifts on her toyboy even though she was a senior politician, i mean, we all know what politicians are like, we'd be more surprised if she hadn't been lavishing gifts on toyboys.

Which brings me to my next beef with the universe, where were all the ladies looking for teenager boys (laedophiles ?) when i was growing up ? pretty much every week there's a newspaper report about how a teacher has been hooking up with her young teenage students, yet when i was 14-15 and near desperate to be interfered with by a grown up lady (or any lady for that matter) there were none. "Oh won't someone think of the children" the child agencies cry out, and i'm clearly not advocating paedophilia because it usually involves young kids being taken advantage of and especially bad if the adult is imposing their sexuality on the kid contrary to what the kid actually likes, and as much as some people like to imagine that children are completely non-sexual until age 16, it's bullshit, they know fairly early on whether they like girls or boys. I think i liberated my dads copy of Penthouse at about age 10-11 and already knew long before then that girls were what floated my boat, now i had actual proof that grown up ladies were amazing when their clothes fell off, as i'd discovered orgasms long (a good year or three) before the ejacularche arrived, i think i was confirmed on my road of hedonism from which i've not much deviated since.

From personal experience (and many years in an all male secondary school) i couldn't have found a boy from the age of 11 upwards who wouldn't have been entranced by cleavage and short skirts and the thought of sticking it into the hot supply teacher (even if he wasn't sure how to 'stick it in' that's why one of the parties is an adult, she at least should know how and where it goes), even though she wasn't attractive, at least she was well developed, now if only she was receptive to the psychic pleading being radiated all around her. We weren't quiet because we were wrapped up in her teaching, it was the way her top clung and accentuated her breasts and sometimes when she sat down her skirt rode up a little, a veritable imaginational roller coaster.

It's only when the parents find out and go all ape-shit about their little brave soldier being taken advantage of by that terrible blonde monster (although i doubt that many of the fathers privately hold the same position as their wives) that it all falls apart

"he's been scarred for life" - no he hasn't
"everyone will make fun of him" - no they won't, he's now achieved mythical status in the playground
"that predatory whore is a monster" - no she's not, if she was abusing babies and young kids then that's a different kettle of fish entirely, but teenage boys, i don't think so

Admittedly this perspective is completely and unashamedly male, lots of the newspaper reports also feature lady teachers getting on with girl students of similar ages, who probably were already gay on the inside and i presume happy to explore an outlet, as i've never been a teenage girl i'm not sure how many are also walking containers of raging hormones, although from a basic understanding of human chemistry i would assume that girls are just as receptive to this sort of thing as boys are at that age, after all, a hot supply teacher is still hot if you think they are, irrespective of gender. What i don't know is how much girls are led by their hormones in the same way, sure Mr Walker the science teach is both quite young fit and dishy, but at age 14-15 would you have knowingly straddled him if no-one was looking ?

A couple of liaisons with hot teacher would have left me laughing all the way to the wank-bank for the rest of my life.