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24.08.2009 - 5:04 p.m.

Holiday thots

the lady in the departure lounge was calling the people forward to alight onto the giant white bird machine

"can we have everyone who has paid for Speedyboarding" - cue a load of shirted twats barking into blackberries stroll forward

"next can we have anyone with children under 5" - this translates as "you inconsiderate fucks"

"and now other travellers" - bring on the crush

We boarded and made a bee line to the back which was sparsely populated, only to find that baby owners had spread themselves right down the length of the plane, fucking cunts, and on top of that once we've all loaded on, another mother with a screaming shit machine settles in directly behind us "did you not hear the lady, you're supposed to get on first so normal people can avoid you, you self-absorbed womb"

Therefore:
1) all baby owners are corralled at one end of the plane, you might not like screaming either, but you made it so now suffer the consequences of your horny actions
2) the act of inflicting a baby on a plane load of people who hate babies means you don't get any in flight meal and a traveller chosen at random can kick the back of your seat the whole journey
3) why take a baby to the south of france anyway, there's fuck all to do except look at cathedrals and shops are closed for 3hr lunchbreaks
4) if your brat screams (and it will) the people sat across the aisle can throw peanuts in the hope one of you is allergic

When the night time temperature reaches 28 and you can't open the window 'cos of gangs of mossies outside, what you really want is to be transported back to england just until the sun rises, between 5am and 9.30 was the only cool time of the day, in the afternoons the wind might be blowing but it's as hot as a hairdryer and fuck all use for cooling.

Still managed a fair bit of holiday sex, hot weather and suncream = horn, cold swimming pools also = horn, wifey in bikini = horn, slightly drunk and thinking about wif = horn

As we were sharing house with my parents, sister and J's boy, naughtiness was confined to our room in the late evening, we need to be somewhere on our own to get the full benefit of sun, cream, pools, bikini's etc.

French birds might think they're all posh, exquisite and poised, but 98.9% are thin and flat chested and that's not a good look for a girl in any country, how you gonna get a man with those pipe-cleaner legs and a b-cup, you ain't foolin no-one.

The pyrenees are really tall and appear out of nowhere, as you go south it goes - flat land, flat land, little hill, flat land, slightly bigger hill, fucking enormous mountains, and then it's mountains all the way to spain, foothills ? never heard of them. We started to go up to the top of the tallest one on the french side but J got all vertiginous and teary so we only drove up as far as the top of the chair lift, took pics and then came down and went over a slightly lower mountain where we looked at cows and views.

Dogs and customs bastards meant i couldn't take any herb with me, had some fags but only needed a few in the end, the first couple of spliffs when we got back knocked me for six, fangtashtic.

The house didn't have a phone line let alone broadband but it was sited on a vineyard so we drank, the baron who owned the vineyard was funny and fat, with a red drinkers nose, i couldn't understand everything he said but i got the jist, me ma is pretty much fluent so he'd talk the hind legs off her while we milled around and nodded. i watched series 2 of farscape on the laptop while drinking and getting bitten by bugs, i'd forgotten loads, series 3 arrives when i get me half-bonus at the end of the year.

Drank lots of Desperados Red, which is beer and red fruit juice mixed together and (as far as i know) only available in france, it claims to have flavourings of tequila, cachaca and guarana in it but 'aromatic flavourings' are not the same as the real thing, as soon as i can find a suitable red fruit juice i'll mix the real thing with actual tequila and cachaca and guarana and Staropramen, guaranteed to get you trashed in no time.

i missed you all you sexy diary wielding bastards

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