11.07.2005 - 8:02 p.m.

one thing i've noticed about being put back into a work box as opposed to running free in the woods is that i get more time to think about words to fill up d-land with, at least until september i'll be regularly here draining off the excess from the tattered remains of my vocabulary cortex in my brain.

Have been to fuerteventura on our hols and stayed in a nice hotel with nice people working in it. Did all the touristy things and worked on our tans. The hotel was also full of tourists ( this being easter ) and the tourists fell into three loosely defined areas, a bit like a fuzzy Venn diagram, they were generally known as :

Northerners
Germans
Others

( David Attenborough voice ) the call of the Greater Sunburnt Northerner rings out across the water hole, proclaiming this loose collection of sunloungers to be their resting place. They will stay here throughout the hot day moving only to go to the nearby caf� and bar for alcohol and pizza before returning to their patch. They maintain their territory by talking loudly in broad Lancastrian, Mancunian and Geordie accents causing other wildlife to instinctively avoid the area. Early in the morning you can see them, just before the sun comes up, arranging their hired towels to cover up the required number of sunloungers.

Despite signs in four languages stating that sunloungers are not to be reserved by �The placing of the towel�, every morning when we went to breakfast there�d be four of five kids in the pool and about two hundred towels adorning sunloungers. We managed to get some one day and the loungers beside us although covered in towels and books were visited briefly, just once, by an owner��..

Which brings me to, da da daaaaaaa - Germans��.lovely people really but these were the main culprits for lounger crime, an accolade they have right around the world, no one occupies loungers like germans occupy loungers. They stride out there at 6am sharp full of aryan poise and dignity and after selecting their ideal position to be in to get maximum rays, mark the lounger with a towel. I even saw a german flag pattern towel proudly displayed one morning.

As if their occupation of loungers wasn�t enough, about halfway through the week a detachment of german soldiers arrived at the hotel ( presumably to annex part of the pool and the precious loungers within ) We guessed they were attending something at the local spanish army base to the north but they had decided that spanish barracks were crap and moved into a four star hotel instead. Bolstered by this show of solidarity from Berlin, cases of towel draping rose 300% and we admitted defeat, against this kind of modern, reactive warfare we can�t compete.

Or don�t care.

Luckily the beach had loungers which were largely empty and much quieter than noisy pools with their screaming pool larvae ( children ).

One thing we did notice is that a large proportion of the english inhabitants of planet hotel were just plain old common, idiots, completely devoid of manners, charm and personal hygiene

( forties BBC english voice ) :

When visiting overseas as a holidaymaker or tourist just remember to speak slower and louder, that way johnny foreigner will be able to understand you, and should Manuel still be having trouble simply hold up the required number of fingers to indicate how many pints of beer you need for you and your party.

When ordering food it is best to frequent one of the many expat bars and restaurants you will find in any foreign country, here you can be assured of finding the finest cooked english breakfast and a copy of todays newspaper so that you can stay abreast of news back in good old blighty.

Should you be feeling adventurous and desire to eat au naturel, we advise that you choose an eatery which has pictures of the food on the menu, that way you know exactly what you will be served and should the food fail to live up to expectations, send Manuel away with a flea in his ear, he�ll know then that the food was substandard and pull his socks up.

At every opportunity we spoke (dodgy accent but clear ) spanish and it was enough to be understood, even J�s little boy spoke spanish if we told him what to say, and we got smiles and good service, p�s and q�s (I don�t know what they are in spanish) were offered with every request and tips were left every time.

I hate to think how much phlegm was served to the less polite inhabitants of planet hotel, but I�m glad it was served, on several occasions I considered adding my own. At times like that I wish i was more polyglotial, so that I could make polite conversation or share a joke with the staff at some fat, sunburnt fuckwit�s expense.