14.07.2005 - 1:16 p.m.

There was an article in last weeks budgie cage liner about a lad on an 18-30 holiday to some greek island who upon being set a bet by his mates, walked the length of the high street with his shorts round his ankles.

In a display of greek police efficiency he was promptly nicked for it and thrown into jail and given a fifteen month suspended sentence or a fine of about three grand and hauled up before the beak to explain himself.

Now we all know that the greeks have strange ideas about homeland security, but this is a major step in the right direction. Rather than jailing anoraks scribbling aircraft reg. codes, start jailing drunken twats in Burberry football shirts and Hackett baseball caps (or that Hackett football shirts and Burberry caps ?) the minute they get off the plane and that'll clear up moronic behaviour before it starts.

The officials say they are desperately trying to avoid greece sliding into the shit pit that Faliraki and Ayia Napa currently reside in, awash with english imbeciles barfing in the streets and fighting with each other, and i think they're right, except they should do away with the suspended sentences and go straight to jail for a few months.

that'll fuckin' learn 'em.

In fact maybe english customs should pull them aside at the point of departure and subject them to a cavity search as well, just for good measure, that'll take the bravado out of them. Although they'll still walk like John Wayne when they get there.

Actually what IS that all about, walking like John Wayne with the collar of your polo shirt up, striding down Hoxton high street, i can see that you think you're something special, all full of piss and vinegar, but really you look like a pale, thin hooligan who thinks he's something special and mostly full of piss and lager.

I've re-applied for my licence to gun down people in the street who i think deserve it, i've had the initial interviews with MI5 and although they said my case did have merits worth investigating they're dragging their feet because of the security issues in the current climate of fear and loathing, i said i could ease the current climate of fear and loathing by taking out the muppets causing the fear, making normal people feel like they can walk about without being spat on or slapped into next week, but still they continue to stall......

The only way (alright, my way) to reclaim these once pleasant holiday resorts is to ship, en-masse, coachloads of pensioners on Saga holidays, and flood them with blue rinses and invalid buggies, and make sure that it's well publicised in the British rag-trade. Soon enough any self respecting thug will avoid these resorts because of all the old people, he doesn't want to spend a week in the company of his granny, he wants a week of alcohol and unprotected sex with infection laden secretaries from doncaster (apologies if you are a secretary from doncaster and not laden with infection, but you know what i mean)

If we then promote an island or resort as THE place to go for alcohol, fights and drunken sex and set it up like Pirate Town in any Pirate film you've ever seen (i'm thinking of Pirates of the Caribbean or Hook but you get the idea) and then fill it with 18-30 package tours and let them get on with it. Provided all the buildings are utilitarian concrete, painted in gaudy colours and vandal proof, the whole place can go to hell in a handbasket while the rest of us who go on holiday to escape the english can relax somewhere in a nice resort free from idiots.

The only problem is which country has the balls to carry it through, there's no doubt it's a money maker (a fool and his money...) but it amounts to agreeing to an invasion and occupation by hostile forces on sovereign territory which might not go down well with the populace. But as most decisions are based on the lucre that follows it's only a matter of time