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24.01.2007 - 3:26 p.m.

Dis�claim�er [dis-kley-mer] �noun

1. the act of disclaiming, the renouncing, repudiating, or denying of a claim; disavowel
2. a statement, document, or assertion that disclaims responsibility, affiliation, etc; diasvowel; denial
3. the act of covering one�s arse

the biomedical industry is a beautiful place, full of well meaning scientists with large foreheads, slaving away day and night to fix our woes.

Unfortunately scientists can�t be trusted to run large companies because very few of them have the practical skills to do so ( despite their large foreheads ) and so it falls to a layer of management situated above them ( on the org chart anyway ). The downside of this is that layers of management beget more layers of management and so on, until you have a thin layer of people actually discovering stuff and then many layers of management :

�defining corporate identity within the marketplace�
�creating a brand image people trust�
�making the shareholders money work hard�
�using blue-sky thinking to aid the levering of paradigms to create positive end-user feedback�

Another downside is that it costs money to fund research, lots of money, so you only want to research stuff that is likely to generate money for you, like working out why western people are fat and making a pill to stop them getting fat despite their intake of chocolate fudge cake and pizzas, or if possible identify something intangible ( like twitchy legs syndrome ), defining it medically ( as best they can or have ) and then convincing the public they need this drug to stop their legs twitching.

These are a new class of drugs called � �middle-class-cashinducing-possiblysteroidal-angst-inhibitors� or MCCPAI�s

The other way to stop money leaving the company is to stop people suing you every-time one of your partially researched, but probably alright in the right people drugs, causes death in the wrong patient ( vioxx anyone ? )

Through the clever use of a disclaimer, the legal managers can list side effects which may (or may not) happen, then if they do happen the company can say

�ah, well we told you that might happen but you took the drugs anyway, so you�ve only yourself to blame�
�but this is the only drug on the market licensed for my problem�
�well we can�t help that we�re the market leaders in this field, you�ll have to wait for the others to catch up�
�but I might be dead by then�
�well there�s not much we can do about it, maybe you�d like to try our latest take on this problem, you�ll need to take twelve different pills a day and they�ll cost seven hundred pounds a week to fund, and your legs might fall off. I take it you have health insurance ?�

Here are some reported side effects or possible adverse effects with this family of drugs, which happen to be tricyclic antidepressants, and if you were only a little depressed before you started taking them, you'll be a basket case once you get to the end of the info sheet.

dry mouth
blurred vision
problems passing urine
sickness
constipation
diarrhoea
high body temperature
soreness of the mouth
unpleasant taste
black tongue
eye problems
swelling around the ear
tinitus
increased unrine production
occasional hepatitis
jaundice
blood disorders
fever
chills
sore throat
mouth ulcers
unusual tiredness or weakness
unusual bleeding
unexplained bruising
allergic reactions
sensitivity to light
facial swelling
hives
high blood pressure
low blood pressure
fainting
changes in heart rhythm
heart attacks
stroke
confusion
disturbed concentration
disorientation
dizziness
delusions
hallucinations
elevated mood
hyperactivity
excitement
anxiety
restlessness
drowsiness
sleep disturbance
numbness
pins & needles
loss of coordination
uncontrolled shaking
slurred speech
coma
fits
testicular swelling
breast enlargement in men and women
milk production in women even if not breast feeding
sexual problems
weakness
fatigue
headache
fluid retention
increased perspiration
hair loss
loss of appetite
weight loss
increased appetite
weight gain
withdrawal symptoms of:
irritibility
generally feeling unwell
restlessness
excitement
hyperactivity
sleep disturbances

I liked the bit about �occasional jaundice�, it brought to mind an Edwardian setting, with :

"myself and my good wife were perambulating around the parkland one cool autumn afternoon when i was suddenly struck with occasional jaundice"

If they just put �severe disability� �organ failure� and �death� on the end, that would cover every eventuality.

Sounds like a winner to me.

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