02.06.2004 - 12:14 p.m.

Oh yes you lucky lucky people, i've been away from you all for toooo long, and now I'm here again and with a phat bitch list of stuff to bitch about, so if you're easily offended or just can't stand the sight of me moaning on and on about things I can't change you'd better bugg'r off now and come back when i've cheered up.

( as i go i've also noticed that it's a long one ( and getting longer by the day ) , so don't stay if you're short of time...)

For those of you still here

Me an J ( + her cousin ) went to see the new harry potter filim and it was ok, we've all read the books and now we're watching the filims, and it was good - so there, the director chap ( who's name escapes me and I'm too lazy to look it up ) has done a good job with the humour and stuff and we liked that.

We did get there early to get half decent seats and before we went in, sat in the foyer eating a modest amount of popcorn and coke, what I found highly amusing ( apart from the hoardes of women with massive turn-ups and / or suede boots ) was the incredible number of fat people. I saw a fat little girl of about 8 or 9 who's rolls of belly fat were bursting out of a frankly incapable t-shirt, carrying two handed a bag of popcorn the size of her torso, quell surprise, while her mother was struggling with paying and juggling the rest of their purchase while emptying her purse.

Apart from her there were other immense people carrying big round trays loaded with 6 litre bags of popcorn, supersized cokes, nachos, the whole nine yards. It seemed that the larger the person the more food they were carrying, which I suppose explains why they're so big, but the number of 'obese' kids ( I guess that's the technical term now ) was high and not a good sign for the national 'ealth in years to come.

I can see the whole 'cinematic experience' encompassing these foods because they come as a package with the film and are all part of the magic, but if your child is already running headlong down diabetes alley which later turns into heart disease boulevard, would you go and buy them the largest package of fat / suger drenched food just to stop them throwing a wobbler ? now that's just short-sighted in extremis.

Me an me siblings were quite lucky in that our sweet tooths were never really pandered to, there wasn't much chocolate in the house and junk food was in it's infancy, and as we didn't do the shopping or pay any rent we weren't in much of a bargaining position, and also I have a sneaky feeling that the main reason we got a small pack of popcorn between us came down to the restrictive opening to dads wallet....

There is a way out of this depressive cycle of eating ( but requires some re-justment of your lifestyle settings ) which is set to finally ruin ( after much mis-administration by governments ) our cradle-to-grave social system, if you're in a vicious cycle of eating you need to - a) break the hold over you your appetite has - b) speed up your metabolism - c) work off that excess bulk, fat boy.

The easiest way I can see ( and avoiding extreme things like stomach stapling and thyroid drugs ) is to come worship at the Church of Caine, yes, just 7 hours of prayer every fortnight ( plus some holy reefers through the intervening time - just don't feed the resulting munchies - ) will whittle you down to whippet-like dimensions in months, ( provided your heart holds out ) and screw up your metabolism to boot so that you never gain weight again and then you too will never look back.

And it'll cheer you up as well, so no more comfort eating for you lardy, a healthy and rejuvenating joint will cure your low feelings, and induce wobbly happiness and probably sleepy oblivion.

Last week over here the latest enthralling version of Bog Brother started. When it was first done all those years ago it was hailed as "a unique social experiment" so I sat and watched the first episode and was so dismayed at the piss-poor bunch of egos and narcissists they crammed into the house of mirrors that i turned off in digust and have never watched it since.

Well i say 'never watched it since' but since J just loves it and has watched lots, I sometimes catch a glimpse here and there but generally only as I'm on my way out of the room shaking my head and muttering curses. But I did sit down this time but only because they were playing it up as "evil" ( mwah hahhhahahahahhahahah ) and so the muppets get wheeled out one by one and once again it's a heady and bloody obvious mix of alpha males, narcissists, and giant egos ( with the possible exception of that nice arty girl who sounds like Brian Sewell's youngest and most innocent daughter and an afterthought by the makers of the prog... )

"righto gordon, we've got twelve places to fill, lets have a look at the casting list, hmmmmmm, ok, hmmmmmmmm, yes alright we'll have those four for sure"

"you mean those top males, the preeners and alphas?"

"yup indeed, and just to really set them off we'll chuck in a few pretty girls for them to fight over, oh but make sure one of the girls is a bit slow, our market research shows that a dippy girl really helps the ratings, I mean look at Helen and Jade !"

"I'd rather not if you don't mind"

"I see your point, who's next then ?"

"how about this flaming queen ? that should polarise everyone nicely"

"good idea, and what if we threw in a homophobe as well as another gay guy ?"

"nice, but keep the other gay guy normal, too many queens in one place is tiring"

"ooooo, I know, did you see the booth-vid from that weird lesbian bird ?"

"yeah, I was going to bin her, too much of a fuck-up, she reminded me of a cross between Citizen Smith and Millie-Tant"

"i know what you mean, do you reckon she'd flip out if we really wound her up ?"

"undoubtedly, if we can get her to have a breakdown on air that'd be fantastic, she's close to the line as it is"

"well she's in now. So we've got gays, beefcake, pretty boys, eye-candy, and a loopy quasi-political unstable dyke, still one place left, any recommendations ?"

"hmmmmmm, how about this one three up from the bottom on page two ?"

"oh yes, history of art student, a bit too nice don't you think ? looks like she'd be happier on a stud farm in deepest kensington, she'll be dwarfed by those giant egos crashing about the place, mind you it'd be interesting to see how long she lasts.."

"it's agreed then, nice job. I'm off to the pub now"

"but it's only 10am ?"

"so ?"

"i'll get me coat"

The people who make BogBro got panned for the last one because it was too boring, but they're flogging a dead format, it's been done so often there's not alot of variation left to play with, so like a farmer trying to get another crop out of a tired and mal-nourished field they've gone to greater extremes with the tele-visual Monsanto approved ratings-fertilizer, and as the number of series increases they'll be using ever more extreme methods of keeping you all watching....

... mind you at some point it'll be twelve people nailed to really tall crosses with mutated octo-bears at the bottom trying to eat them, and every week you'll vote as to who gets woodworm added to the bottom of their cross...

...I might even be watching that.