16.02.2004 - 5:27 p.m.

This morning is proving to be the normal uphill struggle of monday mornings everywhere, i've been in an hour so far and done nothing apart from a couple of one line e-mails, on the plus side I worked out how to fold space-time around a slice of bread so that I can butter both sides of a single piece and still have it contain a chicken salad filling, this has in a stroke halved my weekly consumption of bread although the other half of a loaf won't last more than a week before it turns to cardboard and I'm not sure how a quantum sandwich will unfold itself once it enters my body, still, it brings a little excitement into my life.

places I would rather be this morning:

in my bed - in J's bed - on a sunny hillside smokin' a fat reefer watching the world go by - anywhere on a motorcycle - spaced out after a mad sunday night @ 414 - in australia larfin it up with Herr Capitan - anywhere in the USofA with a fat pocket full of $1000 bills - the moon - Asteroid AS 1056723 somewhere in the Kuiper belt - advising first contact with a distant and exciting and peaceful alien civilisation.

Getting restless for the following reasons - need to go clubbing, the dance buildeth within me, it must be released lest I explode in a frenzy of high-energy bouncing and glo-stick waving - airshows, i luv airshows but the next big one isn't due until august, there's something about the smell of kerosene on a hot summer's morning - days out biking, my car's buggered at the moment so I'm riding and it's great ( but cold, so very cold ) but soon it will be warm, and the tarmac hot and sticky and the cool breeze blowing over me on a sunny spring day, glorious.

things that are ( and continue to be ) pissing me off :

If I ship out two 50 gal drums filled with gloopy material, and I hand them over to a haulier ( any haulier, they're all as crappy as each other ) to deliver the next day, how can said haulier, in the space of 24 hours lose them ? it's not like a losing a small envelope of cd's or something, we're talking about half a tonne of synthetic coconut oil in great big fucking steel drums. I continue on a daily basis to be astounded at the level of incompetance endemic in the logistics industry.

This is starting to be a day-long kinda thing which will get posted when I go home, a window to my working life if you will, so bear with me ( grrrrrrrr ).

If any of you peeps out there are currently in college doing logistics and suchlike with a view to doing it 24/7 when you graduate, take my advice and do something worthwhile with your life ( like being a dolphin trainer or cannabis farmer ) logistics companies are filled to the brim with sad ageing men all trying to carve out a little ( and ultimately pointless ) empire at any cost while their underlings fall into two groups - group a) dedicated customer service peeps ( usually in their 20's ) who work hard to give a good service but will ultimately leave because they cannot reconcile their own values with the shitty service they are being asked to provide and .......- group b) wankers who have no imagination about work as long as they get a menial wage each month and care not whether they lose material, spear it with forklifts, drop it off the side of a trailer, because it's 'not their problem' it's your material and you can pick up the pieces, oh and by the way we're protected by stupid stupid carrier compensation laws which limits any compensation for fucked stock to about 15 pence per kilo irrespective of what it was initially before we set fire to it.

Inadvertant jargony humour, spoken with a straight face ( mostly by the girl across the office ) and only funny to me :

This ( tanker ) needs to be blown off rather than sucked - I only have a rear entry ( trailer ) can you take it ? - it ( the SAP system ) keeps going down on me - ( talking to a deep-sea carrier ) I need that price for the brazilian wax ( order )

Message to Germans everywhere - stop trading on the fact that germans are perceived as being efficient. Germans, although very pleasant and funny as individuals are collectively in business : unorganised - insular - inefficient - an anathema to customer service - inflexible - excessively hierarchical - blind to guerilla style business tactics that can increase revenue with very little effort - and at higher managerial levels, full of giant egos that need daily massaging. It's the Swiss who are ruthlessly efficient, but no-one likes the Swiss.

We make ( amongst other things ) raw materials to go into detergents and washing powders, I can give you a sneak peak into our R&D in that we've developed a new cleaning compound soon to be patented called Pentoxy(4,2)Huttonite, this magical new molecule has the power to completely clean anything of any stain and works especially well on Premiers and senior politicians, dissolving any unsightly stain or mark that would otherwise tarnish. Yes your prime minister can be whiter than white with new Huttonite, watch as smears and stains just disappear with a quick wipe of a loyal newspaper. Warning - Huttonite does not work on your coloureds and may result in unsightly propaganda and unresolvable smears ( although your prime minister will still come out clean and fresh smelling )

Things I read at lunch that made me larf -

( private eye ) - 26th Jan : the European commision to investigate Micro$oft for monopoly infringements / 26th Jan : Our own dear Foreign Minister, Jack ( my son's not a drug dealer ) Straw recommended that Bill Gates be listed for an honoury knighthood for his 'services' to modern business practices. Wankers the pair of them.

( The Times ) - At secondary school level, a series of new, harder exams and courses will be taught for those pupils who are finding school 'not challenging enough' this, it is hoped will introduce a new brand of brighter, harder working person in to the working ( tax paying ) world. What is more likely is that these kids are the only ones keeping the exam results tables abnormally high, and once they start getting average marks and the schools fall down the league tables the new courses will be quietly scrapped.

That's it then, I did nothing all afternoon except that which I'm supposed to be doing.

Except this little chap....