05.11.2003 - 12:58 p.m.

Ah the horoscopes, every day weird people ( weirder than me anyway ) consult their astrological tables to divine our futures, and it must be true or they couldn�t print it.

So for today, I may benefit from some kind of agreement although I won�t want to be involved in anything shady and some guarantees as part of this agreement could lead to something improbable or unpredictable happening.

Hmmmmmm

Something unpredictable happening

Hmmmmmm

Some kind of astrologer they are, the whole point is they ( say they ) can predict this stuff, look, Jupiter is rising past Uranus so that must mean that there�s money coming my way � yeah, or the sun is still in the middle of the solar system and exerting a gravitational pull on the planets you muppet.

However, back to the predictions : something shady and yet unpredictable or improbable.

Hmmmmmm

Like my huge and needlessly completed deal with the Colombian arm of the Marxist Goat Freedom Fighters to ship 40 metric tonnes of pure coke into Glasgow docks disguised as woven ethnic baskets filled with locally produced fabrics ( local to Colombia not Glasgow you fool ) Or,

My deal with the Eastend Mafia families to clear out all the third generation immigrant Russian / Paraguayan corner shop owners to make way for an expansion of authentic Landahn Tahhn knees-up bars where we can all gather round the piano and sing rousing songs from the thirties. Or,

My evil plan to release 400 million pigeons into the air conditioning system of the Pentagon thus reducing America�s ability to wage war on the world to just imprisoning every man woman and child caught swearing in Utah or anyone who has or will or might smoke marijuana ( whether they inhaled or not ). Or,

My most diabolical plan yet to genetically mutate all the insects of the world so they are multilingual and can then hide behind cavity walls and in cracks in the kitchen units and continually whisper confidence sapping comments or take compromising photos on tiny cameras until the UN caves in and gives me 100 million US dollars and Australia and acknowledges me as the supreme leader of the human race. Or,

My agreement with myself not to fold space and time about a pivot that happens to be located inside my spleen and thus causing reality to slide about uncontrollably and make stuff pile up at crazy death-angles until no-one can tell what is what or who starts where, this ( understandably ) is that hardest one not to go through with, but only because I want to see the looks on peoples faces when they slide through a portal, through the fifth dimension and into a tree to become some kind of tree-person with branches for arms and weird bird-cars sitting on them parping their horns and flapping their filler caps.

Astrology, it�s not funny, the planets don�t care ( they�ve their own problems to deal with ) and you can�t use it to plan your life because it�s not specific enough to cope with the stuff we all come up against on a daily basis, you have been warned.