06.10.2003 - 11:56 a.m.

Rahhhh

back from the dead, have gained a few worms but lost loads of weight, skin's not in such good condition but I know a good makeup artist, I'm here to eat your braaiiinns, braiiiins, woooooooo.

Or possibly not.

Went to Skye to see relatives, Skye is nice, looks like every other part of the highlands and also the peak district ( but taller ), relatives were also good, learned more about my mums side of the family in one weekend than have done in most of my life, saw sheep, visited distillery, took photos, got wet, dried out, got wet again, got drunk, drove at silly speeds over the mountain passes, made J edgy by driving at silly speeds over mountain passes, completely failed to crash car through barriers on mountain passes and smash to pieces on the rocky floor below, result.

I can usually find something wrong with modern cars ( seat's uncomfortable, interior's rubbish, engine's crap etc ) but the Merc A-class I hired was a quality machine and even after an intense four hour drive, I emerged fresh and without backache, this for me was a first, ever, good work Mercedes !

There are a large amount of very small churches on the island, catholic, presbyterian, free-presbyterian, even free-er presbyterian, a few Jehovah's witnesses and a few protestants, it seems like everyone with a particular take on the 'Good Book' can bugger off and set up their own religion preaching whatever they interpret as the 'Word of God' ( which is actually a long, drawn out groan while rolling the eyes. Just between you and me he's sick of being bothered and called upon to do miracles and whatever, things were fine for Gods until someone decided religion was the opiate of the masses and now it's stupidly complicated )

I've mentioned before that I have no interest in organised religions, and would go so far as to say they suck ass, an advert might read:

"No will of your own ? Does life seem too much to carry on your own ? then try Religion. It's not new and it's been fleecing people for two thousand years, go on, give it a try, no money down, no money back, just your subservience until judgement day when you'll be sent to hell for some minor indiscretion"

I put my religion down as 'Jedi' on the last census because it was as good as any and it made me larf, but drawing on the tattered remains of a fractured conversation No.11 and I had in a club one time, I've got a new religion : Cainer

Ah yes, the Church of Cainer, there's no formal worship, there's no God as such, praying involves going into a club, pouring as many chemicular god tokens into your body as you can handle, having a semi-religious experience for the next eight hours and coming out into the bright light dawn of a new day, it's like a re-birth except you get to stay clean(ish) and it's not as traumatic, and truly, the next day you can look back and say :

"yes my friends, we were Cained, we have submitted our minds to the will of the Cainer, and he ( or she, it doesn't matter ) listened to our prayers and showed us the light and now we know the truth, Hell doesn't exist for we have experienced Heaven, we've tweaked the nose of God and then run away laughing while he looked down on us with a kindly smile and a knowing wink."

Now doesn't that sound better than :

a) Sitting in a freezing stone edifice on a sunday morning listening about 10th hand stories how some bloke two thousand years ago said it would be really nice, and a bit of a change, if everyone was nice to everyone else, oh and by the way dig deep for the collection.

b) Sitting in a freezing stone edifice hearing how we all have some (sic) Original Sin, and we're all going to hell, oh and don't forget to hand over all the money you have on you and confess all those really juicy secrets to the perve in the box, so he can use them to blackmail you into handing over your children to him.

c) Strapping a bomb to yourself in the hope that you end up in a martyrs nirvana, rather than a small bag.

I haven't included Buddism in the above because at least their tenants involve being nice to animals and stuff, which is ok by me. Neither have I included the many other religions who also preach peace and kindness towards your fellow humans but then endorse sectarian violence for the sake of it, I'm aware that most sectarian violence in any population is generated by politicians and their greedy greedy control desires and I'll admit that anywhere anytime, but the holy leaders should have the balls and conviction not stand by or encourage the bretheren to slaughter each other in complete ignorance and total contrast to the boring sermons they've been preaching all their lives, christianity and islam are the worst and can in equal measure and hand-in-hand get communally fucked. Have you ever wondered why the Fat Controllers through history are so desperate to retain control over you by promising heaven on one hand and threatening hell on the other so that you do / do not exactly what they say you should do / do not ?

Opiate ?

Masses ?

Make any sense now ?

So me and my graven images of pigs will be coveting my neighbours ass while stealing more bacon to drape over our naked bodies and running through the streets of Jerusalam shouting stuff about being nice to each other.

So there.

I hope this offends someone out there, I know that the newer christian sects can be a little touchy about saying things like:

"you know, I think that Darwin fellow had a point" and,

"hmmmmm, maybe the world really is older than fifteen thousand years old on account of these five billion year old rocks laying around here" and the old classic,

"blowing yourself up is not the answer, just because you don't want accept the truth that we're all the same underneath or start questioning what you're told"

oh, and would you like a taste of my bacon lolly, it's piggilicious ?