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29.05.2003 - 1:18 p.m.

Until I work out how to do hyperlinks etc just bear with me.

I have not been here for a while in the hope that I'd be kidnapped by extremists and have to escape from a fortified tower, though the scary woods with the toothy creatures, across the desert and over the border to the sanctuary of a small bar and a cold glass of Carlsberg. Alas not, my life seems destined to fall into some kind of cycle of work/sleep until I discover the secret map to King Solomon's mines ( although I'll probably find another cycle there to meet me i.e. dig/sift/find/rejoice/fight undead/sleep/dig/sift etc.)

To be fair the sleeping bit doesn't bother me on account of usually interesting dreams keeping me occupied until 2 mins before the alarm goes off, but the rest could stand some work done, to this end I tried to find some easily achievable method of pzazzing up my life :

Drinking - this seems to work for some people, if you believe the adverts everyone who drinks *insert brand here* lives a life of really funny experiences dotted with exciting liasons.

Be Sporty - join a club, work together to earn silverware, rejoice in your physical prowess over lesser mortals.

Start an inescapable drug habit - everything would be amazing until it all catches up with you.

Leave this office life and become a fisherman in the caribbean - speaks for itself

Unfortuantely real life is a bit harder than ad-land for the following reasons :

Having played at barman I know what it's like to be the last sober man in a room surrounded by people who think a) they're really attractive b) they can sing c) they can handle their booze d) what a great time they're having, none of these are true, and as the end of the night rolls round a few unavoidable truths rear their head - you are not attractive ( men only, for a drunk woman there's a whole bar full of men single or otherwise who'll help you out of your underwear ) - only singers ( and undiscovered singers ) can sing, the rest of you should shut up - far too much barfing signals you can't hold you booze, and here I am larfing at you as well but you're too ill to notice - you're only having a great time while you're drunk, the heavy hand of soberness will slap you about come the sunrise and you'll feel rubbish.

( I do actually like alcohol, but too many times I have pushed the boat out and fallen in the water while reaching for it, I now know better, do not try and jolly me up to keep drinking past the limits I set myself or you too will get a slap round the heed )

I tried Sportyness when younger ( was forced into ) and tended to avoid the whole team thing in favour of cross-country running which I was much better at, being in a team and scampering up the leaderboard is all very well but not for me, my competitive spirit starts at a point when it's needed i.e. come the apocalypse DO NOT try and fight me off the last bit of unspoiled food 'cos you'll be dead long before you offer to share it with me, and not over who kicks the ball into the opposing net the most times.

I'm saving the inescapable drug habit until I know I have a terminal illness and have taken out all the bank loans and credit cards I can before I admit it, I've always fancied Angel Dust ( PCP ) It sounds interesting but the police reports go like :

" he thought he was spiderman, and managed to climb the first 3 floors before punching his way through a plate glass window and then jumping back down onto the roof of a bus and breaking his neck " - fantastic.

Escapable drug habits are a different thing altogether, despite what the government say in their new ad campaign, here it is again - ecstasy and mary jew anna are not addictive and will not turn you from a respectable banker/nurse into a addled monster, stealing from nuns and so on, the hook line from the ecstasy ad was ( after showing people hugging with gay abandon ) " if this was the only side effect everyone would be doing it " Here's a news-flash should any one from central office be reading, your're right it's not the only side effect, there's fantastic feelings of calmness/love/energy/happiness and all the time you feel like popeye after a can of spinach ( subliminal conditioning to children - it's ok to take things that make you temporarily superhuman )

The people who get addicted to pills and smoke are the same ones who'd get addicted to alcohol/caffeine/nicotine/prescription evil/chocolate/whatever, given the immense amount ( no really, it's a huge quantity ) of 'soft' drugs consumed in the UK on a weekly basis you'd think that there'd be more deaths and so on, but bizarrely it seems that cars/booze/fags are the biggest killers, damn that government for not protecting me from the harms that actually harm me, do they really care ?

Just so you don't think I'm making this up - I do smoke, but not ciggies and only in the evening, I am a (real) clubber ( of nights not seals ) and it's a very rewarding experience and easier to get over than a alcohol hangover - a big greasy meal is all it takes, try that after a night on the cocktails to compare. 'Unreal' clubbers think the local Roxy/Tramps counts as a night in a club, although technically correct they are sadly mistaken, imagine spending your life with a pinhole camera, and then having someone give you a big 'ol Canon, the comparison sticks, if you don't believe me ask SnailPetal.diaryland.com, she knows the truth.

And as for becoming a fisherman in the caribbean, maybe not fish and maybe not the caribbean but it's still pretty alluring to get off my arse, unplug myself from SAP ( for those of you who know SAP ) and go far far away, I may yet do this thing but not for a few years yet so in the intervening time this rant stands.

So it seems i'm left with the excitment tools that I already have - GameCube/PS2/mixin' tunes in a vinyl stylee, they're actually enough to fill in the gaps between work and sleep so I'm not really hard done by, but there's always the feeling that there's a big celestial joke going round and no-one's telling me, if you know the answer to the celestial truth ( and you're not just hasselling me with your values ) put it down on the guestbook ( if it works ) I'd love to know

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